Tuesday, October 18: Secrets

“Let the tears fall down upon my face
As my sushi crumbs go all over the place”

Hilary Duff re-wrote the lyrics to “Come Clean” as a favor to me to describe the scene of me scarfing sushi and sniffling while a beefily wonderful football star talks about being raped at gunpoint by his step-father.

Thank god yesterday’s crappy “8 women” episode has been redeemed by Laveranues (good luck with that one, Spell Check) Cole of the NY Jets. It takes a lot of balls to come forward with that kind of story – period. But ugh, it must be even harder as a jocky, black, pro-balling millionaire.

Which is why having some annoying Upper East Side chick (Jeannette Walls) come on and talk about how she ate out of a dumpster when she was a kid and was followed to NYC by her homeless dumpster diving parents…well it’s just a little less poignant. Not that it doesn’t completely suck to have crazy parents, but Laveranues totally outshone her, tragedy-wise.

On a scale of weepiness ranging from 1 (utter boredom and no emotional stimulation) to 10 (weeping to the point of vomiting), the scores are as follows:

Laveranues: 7
Jeannette: 2
Oprah’s outfit: 10