Friday, October 28, 2005: Women love an addict

Finally, I got my cry on.

Friday's episode featured the author of "A Million Little Pieces", Oprah's first Book Club book in years. The only person I know reading this is SPO, and she says it is amazing. So I will dig into it once I finish "The Kite Runner", which on a side-note, is supa dupa awes.

So anyways, we had a full hour with James Frey, the former uber-addict who cleaned up and wrote it up. He had every woman in that audience hanging on to his every word. I am convinced women love dudes like this - because they "changed". Women also have a secret fetish for addicts because no matter how cleaned up they are, they are still super vulnerable and we all know us bitches love dudes we can cradle in our arms like babies.

Ugh I am hung over. Am I making sense?

Anyway, when they had Harpo staffers discussing why the book touched them I wept openly, especially as one woman discussed her brother's suicide. Oprah knows we viewers need to get that cry out before the weekend starts so we can then focus on important things like getting drunk so we can comfortable socialize with others. Just like James Frey once did.

I can't wait to read this book. If anyone wants to lend me a copy, I'll ask Kiki if I can lend you "The Kite Runner" when I am done with it. Also, I have "The Time Traveler's Wife" that someone lent me, and it is a killer chick read, if you want it.

Oprah Blog Book Club!

Thursday's show

I just wanted to add my comments on Thursday's show. They are really deep.

1. Leonardo DiCaprio is really adorable. He grew up and he cares about the environment so much! How sweet is he? Very.

2. Oprah resisted getting an environmentally sound car! Why? Leo told her they are making SUV's that are better for the environment and big enough to cart her dogs around! What's up O? Please don't drop the ball. The "you are possibly Jesus and saving us all" ball.

That's the end of my comments.

Thursday: October 27, 2005, Saving Our Children and the Planet

I have not forsaken you, Oprah Blog. Well, not completely. For us to live our best lives, we must sometimes forsake the things we love and then come back to them, not with shame, but with pride.

Or something. I am pretty sure Oprah would be down with that "quote".

So anyway...
Choo Choo!
I am back on the Oprah train.
Oh should I say, the environmentally conscious Oprah train.

If there is one thing I love about Oprah is that she can make the most "liberal" of topics seem like common sense while presenting it to billions of her red state housewife viewers.

And she is totes right. We are really fucking up the environment. Our country is a bunch of fat fucks sucking up gasoline in their monstrous vehicles and then whining about the cost without doing anything to remedy the problem. In particular it's them housewives lugging their fatty kids around to soccer practice in their SUVs that are SOLEY responsible for globabl warming. And then God goes and gives AIDS to every person in Africa. Justice is a bitch, I guess.

If these Moms stopped their kids from suckling at McDonald's teet and gave them some carrots, they could probably fit themselves into a Toyota Prius and in doing so, get 65 miles to the gallon, thus helping to bring around an end to our dependency on Middle East oil, which is why we're fighting in Iraq to begin with. Did I mention 2000 Americans have died there?

Woah when the fuck did I turn so political? Damn you Oprah.
In conclusion, please go buy some lightbulbs that are good for the earth and capture some more child molesters. You'll be doing the whole planet a favor.

Monday October 24th: Oprah has risen again

So today Oprah proved again that she might be Jesus. I'm not saying she is for sure, I'm just saying she put it out there as a possiblity. Today her guest was a widow of someone who died on 9/11. Originally the lady was there to answer questions about how she spent a lot of her millions that she got from 9/11 on clothes (and botox. She didn't say that but she could not move a muscle in her face), but ultimately it was about how she hasn't mourned the death of her husband. Immediately after he died she went through a 3 month depression invoked stay in bed where she lost 40 pounds. So the doctors gave her a drug which in her words made her have "no feelings at all." Between the drugs and the botox it was like watching a robot delivering upsetting news. It was crazy. But then Oprah had to turn it around and prove to the world she was Jesus. This lady was not moving on and Oprah took her hand and said to her, "You owe him a resurrection. You owe him to lift this depression. To come out of this veil of darkness and live. And live and live." It was the most moving speech I've ever seen Oprah give. This woman sat there listening, her face rendered expressionless from the botox, with tears streaming down her face.

Friday's show: Cute boys and dangerous books

Today was about people who got second chances, but for me it was about the fact that tennis star James Blake is incredibly adorable. I had no idea he existed, but I found out not only does he, but he’s cute as a button and humble and overcome things like dead fathers and shingles. What a discovery!

But the most notable part of the show was at the end when out of nowhere Oprah started promoting this book she loves although it had nothing to do with the subject matter of the rest of the show. For some reason they shot the segment in this weird thriller/documentary style that made me confused if I should be afraid of it or read it. If I had just tuned in I would have thought they were trying to catch another sex offender. They’d zoom in on various staff members at Harpo, each one sitting in an empty room discussing their experience with the book: “There were moments I was reading it I was physically ill” “I saw Peter and I just handed him the book," one person said ominously. “Nate looked at me with this look on his face and thrusted the book at me and said read this now!” They kept looking at the camera like they were talking about a murder. I started to wonder if it was part of my civic Oprah duty to report the book to someone. It was very strange. But I’m probably going to read it!

Wednesday: October 19: WHO GIVES A SHIT

I stopped watching Oprah about 15 minutes into it because looking at pictures of Oprah and Gayle's hearts is, quite frankly, BORING. Really, heart disease is the number one killer of all the fat, unhealthy, chain smoking lard asses in America? I'm shocked. Floored. That's unbelievable.

Listen, if you think you have heart disease, do something about it.

1. Turn off Oprah, get off the Jennifer Convertible your sitting on, put away the Cheetos (I'm looking at you Britney) and go for a fucking walk. Repeat 5 times a week.
2. Stop eating meat. That shit is nasty and it's bad for you.
3. STOP SMOKING! They don't call them cancer sticks for nothing.
4. Stop eating and drinking crap. there are these things called fruit and vegetables that grow from the ground and in trees, and make you feel better. Try them.
5. Vote democrat. Trust me, it will make you feel better.

I'm no Doctor Oz, but I have a feeling that the above might work.

How far are you willing to go?

There are many roads to Winfrey. You could wait outside her studio hoping she'll show. You could traipse down there and be an audience member. OR you could go one step further and be a guest! As an avid reader of this blog for the last two days I'm sure you think the only way in that hot seat next to Oprah is to get raped by your step father or lose your sight and spend all your time helping other blind people. Well you'd be wrong! My friend Jill just alerted me to the fact that you can meet Oprah if your bra doesn't fit right! That's right! If you have a "uniboob" (That could be the worst made up word in history) you could be sitting next to Oprah and basking in her enlightened charm. Read for yourselves!

Tuesday, the show of secrets

What the fuck is up with the people commenting on our blog? Sorry, that's no way to start this entry.

I have to be quick so I'll just say this: I was weeping 3 minutes in. THREE minutes! New record? Probably not. I had never seen this Laveranues Coles before, but apparently all it takes to win my heart is a gorgeous professional football player who was raped by his stepfather. He had me at, "He molested me at gunpoint." How adorably sweet was this man? Sure the therapist went on too long but I was sobbing throughout her 10 minute speech about how he is a real man. "You are a REAL man. A REAL man. A real man!" He said he never been married because of his trust issues. If this man is not at the alter within the next week there is something wrong with my gender. Single ladies please find Laveranues (he'll tell you how to pronounce it, he's like that) commit to him and tell him that you will never leave him or hurt him. No matter what he says, he really does want to be with you! It's his trust issues that keep him from knowing it.

I'm already in therapy so don't worry about me.